Simply ME...

A star or a rainy cloud,,, realistic or a dreamer,,, tough or emotional,,, a butterfly or a dolphin,,, it is all about me reflecting the transparent me!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Being AWAY.. the First time I CRY

Last night was the first time I cry because Im away! It's not that I don't feel down from time to time cause I miss people back home, but yesterday it was different.
The circle of people you miss when you're away gets smaller with time, and those who stays in your mind always and forever are the parents, siblings, and few very close friends. The rest will be there, but remembered only when certain incidents happen. Not more than that.
It happened.. The thing I was scared of the most! and It felt horrible.

So what happens is that I can be strong, I can be anything no matter how I really feel, and as long as people around me are happy. When I sense that my happiness would cause someone else's misery.. or that my dad is not feeling ok because he misses me, then this is when It hurts the most.

I don't usually pay attention to how I feel, as I see it this way, I gain my happiness from people around me. Their happiness means my happiness. As long as they're ok then Im ok.
And the fact that I love to be there.. if someone feels down as I'd strongly believe that it's my responsibility (even if I have nothing to do with it) to make him feel better, and me being away does not help in anyway.
It hurts a lot, when you have all kinds of different emotions mixed together.. you're sad because you want those that are close to your heart to be happy yet you can do nothing about it. You're confused, you're down, you feel useless. This is when it gets harder.

so I cried myself to sleep, and I thank God that today looks like a better day...

24 Comments:

  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger Maioush said...

    And so it happened.. . I was wondering when are get there! I was looking up to you walahi ya Dima, and keep saying mashalla you are doing great, it’s ok dear, I totally understand what you are going through, I’ve been there soooooo many times, it still happens every once on a while, it’s ok 7abeebti, as you said Dima, as long as the people around you are happy… just take care of yourself, o allah ye7meeki o yese3dek

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

    awww! 7abeebti come here :hug:

    it will get better bannout, and missing them will take a different shape, from sad moments that make u cry coz ur away, to happy memories that fill ur heart with joy and smiles whenever u recall events and incidents.

    may God bless u and urs, w nchala tetjama3ou 3ala 5eir bannout :hug:

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger Tamara said...

    Dima

    I guess we all have to go through the phases, its a new life, new place and away from every thing and every one you are used to, so its only natural for the transaction to be difficult.

    I just disagree with the idea of every one around me is ok them I'm ok. its not true you have to take care of your self so you will be able to take care of others, in my opinion if you are ok then every one around you is ok, because you are the center of your family : )

    Sorry for the long comment could not help blabber in the morning ;p

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger Life said...

    Thats exactly why I keep wondering how am I gonna survive if I decided to study or work or live outside the country..
    I can totally survive anything.. But the missing and the worrying part on my mom and family…

    I know what you mean.. But you can do it.. Just be strong.. And keep calling them and checking on them…
    Crying is a good thing sometimes.. But cheer up lady..
    And have a great day…
    Life has to go on…

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger Oriental Arabesque said...

    ohh Dima :(

    i don't know what to say, but be sure that this is normal..ya3ni u r going through a major change in ur life..marriage and moving to another house alone is a big issue..so keef when u also move to another continent!
    i hope it will getter better with days
    :)

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Maioush.. thank you :$ Yeah 'and so it happened' this should be the title of this post.. well, I guess it's normal too, but for someone who's trying to see the positive side in everything, it was hard to realize it and accept it.. but here I am, still the same :) haha

    PŕōuđPāŀĩ .. hug back :$ that was so very sweet! Yeah i guess with time it will take a different shape ,the same way the circle of those you miss when you're away takes a different shape and size too!

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Tamara.. thank you for your long comment, and this is exactly the main reason why I suffer most of the time.
    And at the end, i always reach a point when I look at myself, and then say what about me? how do I really feel?!! but I guess it's only because I get so attached to people, that I mix my feelings with theirs, so it would be more like the moods of those who are close to me affect me in a really bad way. when they're down.. I get down.. and so on :S I really need to change that though..

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Life ... It's hard, not as easy as it seems. But the good thing is that before I came here, I made myself look at it in a very dark way.. I didn't have high expectations, and always believed that I won't do well, I'll be homesick..etc but to be honest it's not as bad also as it looked at that time.. I mean there are many happy moments, there's the feeling of doing something useful with your life, fulfilling a dream, building a better future.. know what i mean?!

    What would always make me not enjoy all the happy moments to its full extreme is the fact that I miss those who are close to my heart. And what can be extremely painful, the feeling of guilt because those who are close to you feel bad cause you're being missed!!!

    But well, it's a fact..
    Life has to go on ;)

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Oriental Arabesque... haha.. ya 3a oltek !! LOL

    well the other one of my hubby's friend was asking me : so tell me how does it really feel?

    I told her what exactly are you talking about ... marriage or masters!? HAHA i guess so many things happened in a very short time.. :D

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Blogger Noura said...

    Ya 7elwe there is no right or wrong way to deal with this simply because we are all different. From what u wrote am pretty much like you, I need to know that my family is OK to feel happy and there is nothing wrong with that..You'll learn in time how to balance these tricky emotions as I do now..We are far away and sometimes we can't fix it all, you will pick and choose who and what to worry about because we are forced to do so.. and your circle of people become smaller..Don't you ever feel bad because you miss or you want people around you to be happy,it means you are caring, loving person and you will find that balance between both worlds soon..
    Soooorrrrrrrrrrry for the long comment..still after all these years, your words are still mine.
    Take good care of yourself :)

     
  • At August 28, 2007 , Anonymous Rebellious Arab Girl said...

    awwww honey.. it's ok.. ghorbah does this to people.. eventually you will get used to it.. it takes time I know.

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Anonymous Qwaider قويدر said...

    Oh my god!
    Dima, you've grown up! This is part of it my dear.

    You can always take comfort in the fact that you have a fantastic guy right next to you. Someone you can lean on in your moments of weakness.

    It's ok, you'll visit, they'll visit, it's not the end of the world. Although, I know exactly how painful it feels to be cut off from normal places and the familiar faces..

    You'll make new ones, new friends, new places and a place you will call home. Next time you visit, you will notice that you miss your solitude, your independence .. You'll see

    Take care of yourself, and of that great guy, and everything will be alright.. it will be

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger Ammar said...

    So the washing machine decided to slow down a bit? that's ok missing as a natural feeling, and the sadness missing causes lends delicacy to emotions, so you become more caring..about the people you love..those near and far..now go have some cookies!

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger Batoul said...

    aww.. La tz3ali, its just a phase you're going through. Its really hard to be between two paths that both fit you right so equally. It's not easy to all the sudden be so far and zay ma b2olo out there in the "real world" just know you're doing great and time is your best medicine. The minute you visit once and come back, everything will be 10times easierin my opinion so plan a vacaton for the summer, good luck :)

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    it is ok to cry and vent it all out, when i feel down and sad, i simply cry myself to sleep, so that the next day i am fresh and dont feel that sad anymore...we need to cry to detoxify our bodies...it is ok and no harm was done...
    i used to feel the way u feel now, i had to make sure that my mom and siblings r fine, after i got married and left amman to live here, i felt responsible for all of them and their welbeings and happiness...i realised that now i have my own kid that i need to focus on my son, i have to be happy so that he can be happy too...it is ok and i did get that guilty feeling of being so selfish to focus on my son, and realised that it is ok to feel that too, try to be happy and start ur own life, u donot have to be superwoman to keep it inside.... it will take time for ur to adjust, and missing ur family will not go away, it stays there forever, but it goes to a different shape i guess, i miss mom like hell even though she passed away 3 years ago, and i cry hard when i feel i miss her most...but then LIFE simply goes on and we move on and live our lives and try to achieve our goals...i dnot say donot feel sorry if ur dad misses u cuz i am sure he does and he tries his best to hide it and wouldnot let u feel it, justcuz he wants u to be happy...
    so hang in there, cry if u feel like it, donot keep it inside, u will adjust and teach ur self new ways to accomodate that feelings of missing ur loved ones...but u know what "they r so happy that u r happy with ur husband"...stop blaming ur self cuz u r the one to leave and live abroad...that is ur fate dear...
    be happy
    peace to all
    afaf

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Anonymous natalie said...

    hi deema,i went through all ur posts,i really like ur blog but i noticed that u don't like anonymous or some1 u dont know to add a comment:)thats why i feel that im not welcome here so im sorry.i dont want to comment about this post cuz i dont want u to tell me that its not my bussnis:)

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger nido said...

    Wow Dima! This almost made me cry! But guess what?! Now I can tell you : you are doing all right:) I still cry sometimes, and it's not a bad thing or a sign of weakness...I just can't help it and it makes me feel better, always;)

    I know how much yr Dad loves and misses you, and deep inside I'm sure he's so happy and proud of you, being married to a great guy and working hard on yr masters...
    Your happiness makes him even happier...
    Let it out and cry as much as you want...and be happy:)
    Miss you irl...xoxoxo

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Noura ... that was a lovely long comment! it's not the right or wrong, but I think if I stay like this i'll get tired at the end :S this is what I meant dear.
    I guess the balance is what I really need, and it would definitely help me in concentrating more on my studying without anything that bothers in the background. 'after all these years, your words are still mine.'.. wow, this means for me too, It will stay the same.. i guess!!!


    Rebellious Arab Girl ... :) It's funny because whenever I hear that any of my friends are getting married and will be living away too.. I feel a little bit relieved! :$

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Qwaider ... so this is part of growing up.. umm!! maybe :$
    I've always thought this way.. next time I visit, it'll be different! this is life.. but it can be really painful especially when you feel you're away and can do nothing about what's happening back home... this is when you start to feel weak and isolated. But yeah, you're right, it's much easier when you have someone great next to you.. :)


    Ammar ... yeah It decided to slow down I guess :S but well now it's back on track ;) with its full speed and Im spinning again.. haha
    I can't.. no more cookies for me! :$

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Batoul ... 'Its really hard to be between two paths that both fit you right so equally'.. I like this!
    Thank you Batoul, you're definitely right! this is why next summer inshalla :D Amman's summer, it'll be winter here.. so that would be the best time! (i'll witness two summers in both countries.. and will get the extra tan) haha ;)

    afaf.. actually it helps a lot, because the next day you'd be more fresh and there will be nothing left. So you'll start your day with a better mood and attitude. This is what dad told me the other day when we were talking on the phone, hearing your voice and knowing that your happy this would make me feel great. This is what make me stronger :)

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    natalie .. again, my name is Dima and not deema. I don't like anonymous! anonymous = someone without a name. And your name is Natalie.. so that doesn't make you an anonymous.. right?
    I didn't even say anything to you for you to feel not welcomed here. And you don't have to be sorry in both scenarios! there's no reason to feel sorry!
    whether you want to comment or you don't want to comment it's up to you.. for me personally, that would not make a big difference. And I wouldn't say 'it's not of your business' for people who shows respect in what they write and say.. it's just that I see it so funny, the fact that you already commented saying you don't want to comment. It would be easier and more respectable not to comment from the first place.. don't you think so? ;)

     
  • At August 29, 2007 , Anonymous Jason said...

    Seperating from loved ones is serious business. Can feel like you're losing an arm or a leg or something. Know what I mean? The hardest but best thing to do is to let it out slowly and cautiously. Meaning the feeling of hurt and depression. It can be quite therapuetic if done properly. One way to do this is to just talk to someone about it. That way it won't completely overwhelm you when you least expect it.

     
  • At August 30, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    nido ... haha.. so this means im doing alright.. ha?!! :P

    Im much better now il 7amdilla.. especially after I called them, it's not that it's hard to call them, I can call them any time and as much as I want but the only problem is with the time difference. So when I want to call them I wake up at 8 am, and you know how much I hate to wake up early!! HAHA :D

    miss ya too!!!

     
  • At August 30, 2007 , Blogger and life goes on... said...

    Jason ... this is exactly how I felt the other day :S
    Im much better now .. thank you!! :D and with the sunny weather here, it helps a lot.. :D the weather always have a strong effect on my mood :S!!! don't ask me why! HAHA

     

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