No more .. No more

Im finding it hard to believe that I am free.. like totally free. It's been one hell of a year.. with all the traveling, adventures, decisions, surprises, studying, and working! But now Im done with one of the major causes of stress.. EXAMS. ASSIGNMENTS. DUE DATES. GROUP MEETINGS. PRESENTATIONS. RESEARCH

It's too good to be true!

Now when I look back I feel extremely proud of myself. Yes, it is just a piece of paper, but for me it's much more than that.. it's so much effort, work, readings, knowledge, friendships, experiences.. for me it's a huge achievement and a big jump from where I was to where I am today.

When dad went to change my ticket two days ago, he heard great stuff about me from the travel agent.. about the days I used to work in LH and how everyone keeps saying those days were the best. He couldn't wait till I call him, so that he'd tell me about it.. and I heard this warm tone of a proud dad in his voice! It felt really special..

The thing is that I am finding it hard to make myself used to the idea that I don't have to rush back home.. or look for academic journals. I don't have to do more readings, writings, and I don't have to stay away from Facebook and msn so that I would focus and concentrate.

I don't have to suffer from all the Masters degree demands which I have used to think about and worry even when Im sleeping.

What a wonderful feeling! It gives me every reason to celebrate..... BIG TIME.

Im looking forward to the following stage.. and to start planning carefully for what's next.

how would it feel.. ?!

It is when I realize that I am spending all my time on research and studying, I look out of the window.. and wonder how would it feel to have all the time in the world again, how would it feel to relax, how would it feel just to enjoy.. Am I missing out on all what can be fun!!?

At times like this, when I desperately need a break, when I need to go back and taste the sweetness of not worrying about time, not worrying about deadlines, group meetings, finals.. the answer would be simple and clear.. YES, I AM!

Leaving

This is the first time when I feel sad because my boss is leaving. The news was extremely shocking and unexpected! She was not only the one who interviewed and employed me .. but she was someone who made me believe that working here is fun even when it is about reconciliations and even when it's about dealing with scary, too complicated, humongous amount of data.

So she was not only the financial manager, but someone who's fun- and usually you don't get to see both in one person.

I have never imagined being this sad when a manager leaves. But I am! It's like a solid base is no longer there.. and I don't like all the new things that will be planned for the coming months accordingly, precisely after her departure.

yeah.. it is scary! the more I think about it.. the worse I feel. Why does it always have to be like this, great professionals are the ones who normally leave when everyone around is laid back .. not the other way around!

Muddled Thoughts

I often get confused when it comes to what people say and consider as a joke. Some of those jokes I find extremely unacceptable, especially when there's a hidden meaning behind them. I learned it the hard way, I will REFUSE and will never let anyone interfere with my personal life. I will never ever think that revealing what's personal help in solving problems, cause after marriage your personal life would happen to involve two.. and it's so unfair to consider it as yours only. I will not allow anyone to cross the lines, and I would fight anyone with ill intentions, causing troubles even without intending to.

It's just amazing all the levels of maturity that develop after marriage, and it's astonishing the strong feelings of protection that you get to hold for your little kingdom. There should always be this unbreakable fence around it, and if you let anyone in even if only once, others would also follow, and this will make things way out of control.. what started with a mistake will end up in a tragedy.

I learned that you can say things to the wrong people.. you can hear things that can affect you for quite a long time from the wrong people too.. and when it gets tough you'd find it hard to differentiate between a friend with a good intention but lacks the skill to express, hence gets misunderstood.. and a bad friend hidden carefully behind a colorful mask. You can do many things that might seem vague to others, and this all shouldn't really hold you back.. cause it would all happen for the one and only reason.. keeping the ship moving smoothly away from any destroying waves.

I learned that it's great to be sociable, but it's not too great to be too nice. That it is in your hands to make things work or walk out on them. That you need to open up and be honest with yourself before looking for answers from anywhere or anyone else.. and that patience, faith, and confidence can be the key to almost all closed doors and can get you out of everything including the unthinkable.

songs.. and more

it's amazing how songs can always bring back a certain memory, they would make you live that moment again and again no matter where you are or who you become. One song would get me back to that cheerful child, sitting with dad in his old white car, going to school every morning.. talking about everything and anything, just to make sure that my sleepy dad would be all awake when he drives back.

Another would just get me back to all the summers we used to spend in the pool all day long.. the burning sun, the strong lovely smell of coconut oil, the french fries and ketchup.. they used to play Fairouz every single morning, teery ya tiyyara teery.. i can still remember the exact words, our laughs and fights on whose jump was more impressive.

There are certain songs that would remind me of the drives we used to take.. me and my two sisters, and the times we used to go the malls.. which became more or less like a habit, even if that meant to go there only for an ice cream or a nice walk!

Others would just get me back in time, where I used to drive with friends, open the windows, and sing loudly.. get all the energy out, and just enjoy.. the louder the better..

I would remember this phase where I was waiting for something to happen, I would spend hours on the computer playing brainless games and listening to music.. I wanted to relax without having to worry about anything.. as if there is nothing in the world that matters anymore. And those songs would get me back to that state of mind, where I go numb..

But our wedding's first dance song will always be the one that brings joy and happiness to my heart.. it would get me back to that dance floor, with family and friends standing around.. looking and smiling at us.. my mom and sisters' tearful eyes.. as much as I was scared of that dance, as much as I enjoyed it. Everything turned to black, and it was just me and my hubby.. I memorized the words.. and I was there singing with all my heart.. as I hear it again, it gives me goose bumps. I remember every step, every move, every smile.. as it was only yesterday.

Songs representing pain, love, tears, loss, hatred, hope, faith, and loneliness.. songs reminding us of certain people that were part of our lives... songs that are linked to an event, to a place or a face.. they all still exist, and they still have that same effect regardless of what, where, or how!

..distance..

The funny thing is that ever since I came here, my parents seem to worry a thousand times more about anything and everything. The fact that my dad is a doctor, and him taking things easy.. he has seen many sick people.. and diagnosed some fatal diseases.. so for him a flue is nothing, a cold doesn't mean a thing, and a fever shouldn't keep you in bed.
But now it's all different, if I say Im having a headache.. he'd become really worried, acting as if it's the end of the world. If i tell him anything.. and the anything would include me wanting to be spoiled for fun, he'd tell me to go and see a doctor!

And now with the cooking, my parents were both suggesting that I'd call them anytime I need anything.. and considering the time difference this would be insane! After I showed how much Im against doing that, they had this brilliant idea of me cooking at night which would solve the time difference issue!
This is absolutely crazy and i wouldn't consider cooking at night for sure, but at least they come up with all the possible solutions and always seem excited about them .. anything that would make me happy.

The unconditional love parents show can't be described in words. The amount of respect and admiration I have for them grows with every passing day.. It's distance I guess that opens your eyes to all the things that were taken for granted...

The black BOX

The other day I was chatting with my sister and she was telling me that our grandpa died four years and 6 days ago.. my reaction was REALLY!? And she said how come you don’t remember the date? Not even the year?


It’s then when I realized that I try to block the memory… the saddest memories are the ones which I keep in this black box at the very end of my mind, and whenever something reminds me of anything that’s even close to what hurts, I just block it and push it further..
Im not sure whether it’s good or bad, but I know for a fact that it’s the only way to control my extremely sensitive nature.
Does this mean Im able to control my emotions? Or better to say it means that Im scared to let those emotions control me so I try to avoid them as much as I can and avoid getting in a deep depression…


It hurts not to remember those dates, the bitter moments, the painful memories .. but then again what good would happen from remembering them? If you lose someone so dear, then the memory wouldn’t get him back, nor would the broken heart.. and even when I want to remember him, I don’t think of him as sick or weak laying in the hospital’s bed for months.. I blocked that too, long time ago! All I remember now is how strong and healthy he was.. sitting in his favourite corner close to the table with his grandchildren photos’ frames…


I really hope that this black box would hold no more blocked dates or sad memories, I hope that 2008 will be a year with all the happy events that I would want to remember and treasure for years to come..

It's healthy to be BACK

Going back home the first time is a must. Being homesick can be hidden deep inside you without realizing it.. it might be something that's haunting you but you keep pushing it away, until it just hits you and you can't take it anymore, yet you don't know what exactly is going wrong..
it's when your life is split into two, when you're doing one thing here but thinking of what can be done there.. it's then when you should think that maybe you need to enjoy what you have more and stop thinking about the what 'might be'..

The good thing about being back is that it gets you to face reality and your true feelings. And when you make sure that your family is doing great.. friends are cool.. everything is just the way it is, the way it was just before you leave.. you'd miss it back there.. you'd miss being away!
When you get to spend some lonely mornings, while everyone is at work.. it's then when you realize that they're all moving with their lives but you are in this unexplainable break.. and you just need to move on.. just like everyone else!

Being home for the first time, makes you value what you had.. treasure what you experienced while being away.. It gives you all the strength that was not there, especially when you finally believe that your parents are happy when you're happy.. they are proud of you when you're achieving your dreams.. being far doesn't mean that they would love you any less, on the contrary it just means that they respect your choice in building the future.. and they would love you just as much, if not even more..