the most depressing 24

Yesterday was a day I definitely don't want to remember or experience ever again.. I don't want to have the same feelings.. I don't want to go through what i've been through! And I don't want to feel useless, helpless and very depressed. I just kept on feeling that it will never get any better,, time wouldn't change things! And when someone loses hope.. then dark would only be seen.

I had the worst 24 hours one can think of or imagine .. ! nothing mattered anymore.. no one really mattered .. and I just wanted to hide.. I didn't feel like talking to anyone! I know that Im depressed when I turn my mobile off or have it on silent.. this is the first depressing signs that I usually get .. and I just wanted to keep it off for weeks!

I was so down to the degree that no matter what happens around me, nothing would make me feel any different! I was just laying down, with my eyes close and open.. falling asleep and waking up with no real track of time.
Less than a week and I will be 25, yet all I felt was numbness ..

It's funny how a simple phone call can shift your mood and make a world of difference,,, it's funny how hearing someone's voice would give you all the strength you lack and more..
It's funny how hearing the caring tone would make you have all the determination you need to start a better day and give you all the positiveness you want to have faith in a better tomorrow.
Im glad I started my day with this phone call.
Sometimes with all the love around you,,, all the support, attention and smiles you'd be getting from the
close ones.. it would still be different.. it wouldn't be so complete! And there would still be the ONE who has it all.. all the answers... the magical touch that wipes away all your pain and misery.

just out of curiosity..

I thought there's only one way to do it....! I guess Im wrong!

In which hand do you hold the tweezer when you pluck your left eyebrow?? Right..? Left..?

Ok, I admit.. this is weird curiosity! But im still curious...

Surprise!!! it will EAT you ALIVE..

It makes me laugh when I hear about the ones who plan to do something devilish.. knowing that it's totally wrong and can never be justified ,,, they intend to do it and decorate their devil work.. they spend months or even years to draw the scheme, and they follow the steps carefully and skillfully .. they do whatever it takes to get to what and where they want.. they do all the unaccpeted twisted things and behaviors,, they create all the sick thoughts .. and then when they get there, you hear them saying 'Oh, I think I feel a little bit guilty!'.. well guess what?!... Good for you!!! you deserve it .. and now the fun part is gone, it's time to handle the consequences.

There's nothing worse than this feeling that tears you to pieces from the inside,, gets to you and pollutes your soul.. and no matter what you do, you'll never change the way people look at you! it will keep haunting you forever.. no matter how much you try, you can run but you can never hide!


There's nothing worse than the inner voices you keep hearing,, than the nightmares you'll always be having... the continuous voices in the background reminding you of how low you are. It will attack you again.. and again! It will EAT you ALIVE.

"Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings."
-- Nicholas Rowe

NERVOUS... yeah RIGHT!

The other day I had this extremely annoying, difficult to please or deal with- passenger, so I decided to cut it short and act in a way that would cause less mess and trouble .. I planned to nod my head and agree to whatever he says.. just because If I disagree, I'll get into an endless , crazy argument that would only make me feel mad, bad and in the mood to pick a fight with anyone around just to let it all out... and would get us to nowhere.. really!

He started by asking me the same question that he's been continuously asking for the past few months.. and this is one of the reasons that made me strongly believe now, that some people should not be helped, or offered any advice.. they will cause nothing but a headache.
He was trying to get his wife into his family points system account,,, I told him that I need her Jordanian passport to do so (because those are the rules) .. but since his wife doesn't have one.. he just wanted to throw his anger at me..

I was explaning that Im not the one who came up with those rules, if it was up to me I'd add her and the whole neighbourhood.. but he kept on saying how mean they can be not to think of the possibility that someone might get married to a different nationality holder..
I said I understand your point and I really know what you mean .. you're totally right!
This is when he said .. well it seems that you just want to say anything, just anything, to stop me from talking... now, you're standing by my side so that I would have nothing to argue about!!!! Again, I tried to remember all the communication skills' courses I've attended, and of all the nice things in the world.. the sea.. the beach.. the sounds of the birds, so that I wouldn't lose my temper.

Then he just went on and on talking about it.. his wife, children.. and everything that comes to his mind -seems like he wants to talk but there's no one to listen so he said.. oh why not! I can talk now about my personal issues.. and as I seriously had so many things to do, I couldn't think of anything else to say but .. aha, yeah, aha.. then the bomb got exploded when he said... oh now it seems you're not even in the mood to listen to what I say.. not in the mood at all..

Of course Im not in the mood to listen to what you say! Im not here to listen to your family stories.. nor to your life problmes... !

To think of that now, I won't be taking it from anyone anymore.. Im NOT EDGY!!! So stop saying that .. one who handles this shit almost everyday should be considered anything but that..

*sigh*

YES.. i know

I think I need to change the way I act and react towards certain things and some issues. Im really bad when it comes to anything that has to do with asking for my rights! Maybe because I get shy and all.. or maybe it's because I just hate to hear the word 'NO'. So I'd rather not ask from the first place.

But one thing I know for sure now is that you should never be too good, or at least you should not make them get used to the good side. They will just ask for more and more... I remember when I was first employed, I was too shy to say that the salary is not good enough. And then later on when I had all the work loaded and kept getting more and more things to do.. I was too shy to ask for a raise! I was too shy to say it's enough.. that Im fed up and I need a break!

And since I like to work and get really mad when I have nothing to do, from my 18 -annual leave- days, I never took more than a week - for three years now.. and this only made them used to me being around, so when I ask for a day off .. it would feel really odd for me and for them!!!

The other day I was out with a friend, and she was telling me that she's looking for someone or a particular party to fund her masters studies.. and then she went to her boss and asked him to help -if he can! I was looking at her and saying WOW.. I get too shy to ask for a day or two off,, and if I take any I would always give an excuse immediately even without being asked for one! What she did for me meant a ... WOW... I would never have the courage to do such a thing.

But I know it's not right, and with this attitude I'll get to no where.. I hope with time and experience I will get to this point where I'd ask for my rights loudly and strongly...

Nodding your head and saying YES to whatever offered is not good enough to get you to where you want..

It will just make you a follower...

Since When!>?!

I woke up today having a sore throat - which I think happened from the strong Air Condition we have at work.. and I just HATE to take any medicines! I HATE IT .. I HATE IT.. I HATE to swallow pills.. I believe every medicine has BAD side effects - (which are even worse than tolerating all the pains), and nothing would change that image.. not even if all the doctors in the world say that it's untrue.. !

I have this anitibiotic that should be taken before the operation. And I just don't take it! Sooner or later the doctor would know and I just don't want to think of what his reaction would be. Let's leave it as a SURPRISE! Since my dad is a doctor too (E.N.T) specialist. - Ears, Nose and Throat-, he was trying to make me take this antibiotic for a long time, that he got to the point where he's just so tired now of my stubborness and doesn't care anymore about the whole thing.
So today morning while my dad was half asleep, I said 'Dad, i have a sore throat, can you please do something about it', and he looked at me and said 'oh that's just great, this will give you every reason to start with the antibiotic, you should've taken long time ago'. So I said .. 'But since when do they give antibiotics for a sore throat!!!!!?' , he smiled and said 'ummm, I forgot that you studied medicine! Do you have any other precious medical information that I can learn from you?!'.. haha!!

I have no clue why im a so ANTI- medicine. Maybe because I was raised in a home where we have them everywhere, anytime and everytime... I truely believe that natural herb treatment is healthier, and better.. at least the side effects wouldn't be too harmful! Nothing is worse than what a strong medicine can cause when taken on an empty stomach.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! just the thought of it makes me insist on sticking to my big and loud NONO to medicines.

Finally.. I found it!

I spent the last months looking for comfortable high heels wedding sandals, I know it's almost impossible to find ones that have it all.. high heels, wedding sandals and on top of that all to be comfortable. As for the high heels, I just refuse to wear anything that's not high beneath the wedding dress.. flat ones won't look as nice and the dress would look 'ma'toush'. - as if you're ruining the beauty of the dress.

And I was close to giving up,,, and about to show my stubborn side and just end the search by getting rocky sneakers, or just be simple and practical,,, getting rocky beach flip flops!

Being comfortable is a must since wearing them would be for a minimum of 3-4 hours (if talking about the pre-dinner part). After dinner- flat flip flops- anything other than that would be out of the question.
Sandals because I can't imagine wearing anything closed in the summer. It'd feel odd, and very paiful.
Finally, after a long search, I found one that is considered to be the best of what I've seen and tried on,,, it's 10+ cm and I was able to jump, dance, go down and up the stairs 4 times without the slightest feeling of 'ouch.. ouch'!

A small tip if you want to look for the 10+ cm, go for the ones that are high from the front too (rocky style) and the very 'not thin' heels!!

It is OURS.

As I woke up today, I decided to wear the uniform's dress for the first time to work since I lost so much weight and had my hair down to go with the look.. with a big smile on my face, I started the day.

I always meet our neighbour- who's my age- and who I meet almost every morning when I go to work. It's a great feeling since it makes me feel better about waking up in the morning, realising that Im not the only one who's awake!
As I was driving my car, and he was coming out of his house, I waved to him my 'good morning'..
and as he was smiling -waving back, I was waving again .. but this time I was trying to tell him something.. and then again I got another smile (a wider one).. another wave and then I realised it's a hopeless case so I opened the window.. and he just kept on waving - faster and giving me those smiles.. then I said 'Oh, but this is our car'

As he was waving and smiling- smiling and waving, and since we both have the same car and same color, it seems he got all mixed up ! I've never seen anyone blushing like that.. then he said 'I thought you're trying to tell me that you're late... ' hahaha!!! How funny!


How would my day be anything but nice if it started with this... !!! what a lovely day!

count your BLESSINGS

The past week made me realise that there are many things that we take for granted, and we just don't apprecaite all the blessings we have until we go through the pain of losing them,, or some of them! Especially those that are related to health issues.. No matter how happy you are, when you're in physical pain.. happiness would lose its meaning, and only one thing would haunt your thoughts.. 'how long would it take.. when will it be over!!!?'

I had one of the toughest week, and then another week.. and hopefully the nightmare will be over! Not even for once it occured to me that I will have to do an operation this month... when I have plenty and plenty of things to do and many unfinished stuff .. all the organising and planning will be stopped for now.. when I thought nothing can stop me! Not at this point!

Simple things become so precious.. the ability to sit, run, walk or just move.. the ability to sleep peacefully,, and being able to drive.. or just go out ,, smell some fresh air.. I stayed in bed for so long that sleeping for me now means a waste of time.. I can't imagine spending another week in bed! But well there's no other choice.. i guess!

Through it all, not even once I felt lonely... I was never alone! my mobile was always ringing, and of course my friends were all there..which- as usual - made things much easier.

It's ironic how we always have a plan, I had a plan for this week and the coming week and the week after,, and last week.. and never -not even for once- it occured to me that something might go wrong.. ! That I should stay in bed.. Never it occured to me that I would need to use my sick leave now.. and not by the end of June.

But well .. all I say now is il 7amdilla.. it could've been worse! A couple of weeks ... and I'll be jumping around everywhere..

Thank God.. It could've been much worse..

Getting close.. TOO close

Twinkling Eyes

One of the major things that make me like or dislike someone (based on a first impression) is the reflection of the eyes..
Cold- icy - lifeless eyes scare me .. if you're laughing, screaming or crying -they'd give you just one impression.. the same dull unbearable look! If you're going crazy, wild.. loving or hating .. it's the same.. nothing really change!

Eyes- can speak all the unspoken words, can reflect all the buried emotions,,, can uncover a lie, and can definitely bring two hearts together.
Some people are blessed to have what I call the 'dancing eyes'.. they twinkle and sparkle in a unique way.. you can say that one is smiling just by looking at those eyes.

So I was telling a friend 'If you are confused and not sure of his real feelings, just look into his eyes.. eyes don't lie/ can't lie'... He doesn't have to say the ' I love you ' ,, you can see it in his eyes!

Warm eyes are those that belong to kind hearts.

the latest TREND

So many concepts have changed if we want to compare our time with our parents'. It all started with the words BF/GF! This didn't even exist earlier... Many of the students who are currently at schools, say that nowadays a girl with no boyfriend would feel odd and out of place... it
wouldn't just feel right to stay single! Hitting the 18 and still single.. is considered unacceptable and pathetic.. !!!

What's considerably increasing though is the divorce rates! It's just insane.. in the past year I've heared about 5 different couples (whom I personally know) getting a divorce.. and it's so shocking! All of them had a married life that lasted not more than two years...
A word divorce used to have a very annoying harsh effect on our ears, and now it seems to be the latest trend! It's more like hearing about a girl breaking up with her BF. And the question is why?!!

A friend told me it's because we're so open now, and a girl or a guy would be having many previous relationships.. and comparing between the new love and old one is capable of destroying any strong relationship! He believes that to make it live it should be the first pure love.. but I don't see it this way, I believe a person can go through an old experience and this would only make him cherich and appreciate more what he currently have. To compare between people is not a wise thing to do, no one is perfect, and if one is good at one thing then he's bad in another .. to compare means to kill your present and destroy whatever future there might be.

Is it because of the extra freedom we have? That would make a married man look at another, or would make a well mannered lady seduce a married man and insist on continuously chasing him?

Is it because we lack the real feeling of responsibility or the fact that we're used to being pampered? Or is it the lack of knowledge of what both- marriage and building a family truely mean..?! As it's definitely more than a wedding, and all the dance.. it's more than a honeymoon package, roses and romance.. more than affection and good times..
It's sharing..... a life!

Or it might be that the way we tend to deal and handle our problems nowadays is just different,,, it's a one- way thinking... which makes divorce the easiest, and quickest solution!

ATTACHED

I don't know if it's good or bad, but I get attached to things in a very weird way.
A friend told me that she always connects songs to people and places.. but for me, It's all about things.

I've always felt disgusted from people who keep (or let's say USE) the gifts they got from previous relationships. I just can't do that, and don't think I will ever be able to understand how they do it.
If Im out of a relationship, then I'd rather THROW everything that has to do with it in the nearest trash. Or maybe I would give it away to people who might need them..
If you get a watch as a gift from someone, and then that someone does no longer exist, then what's normal and logical is for you not to wear it ever again.. you should simply go buy a new one, or if you are from the 'cheap type', you should ask the one you are with- to get you a new watch so that at least you'd be comfortable with yourself when wearing it 'proudly'!
It seriously makes me disgusted.. just to think or imagine that some people have the guts to do this!

Gifts are given for a reason, in a particular occasion or event.,, they're supposed to be given out of love. If that love is no longer there or even worse turned to hatred, then why to keep such things around! They would turn to useless, meaningless, insignificant clutter.. that we should get rid of without a second thought.

If a gift was given from someone who hurt me, then I would definitely keep it as far as possible, looking at it would just bring bad memories that should be buried forever.
So why to bother and to feel down every time you look at it.. spare yourself all those annoying feelings.. and just let go!

I would never ever be able to look at things that I got from people whom I consider -meeting them from the beginning was a mistake,,, let alone keeping or using them! Yiiiiiiikes. The nearest trash,,, this is where they belong ...

Pink Delights

I was tagged by Manal,

List 10 simple pleasures and the rules are as follows:
1. You have to list exactly 10 points.
2. You have to tag 3 bloggers when you are done.

1. The sea! I love the sea.. I'd spend hours sitting on the beach watching the sunrise or sunset without ever getting bored. The sound of tides is the best music to my ears. The deep sea world just fascinates me.

2. Flying! I enjoy flying, I've always wanted to be a pilot. It is one of my- nearly impossible to achieve- dreams. I always make sure not to miss the landing or departing times.. I love the feeling of freedom one can get to experience when flying.

3. My morning nescafe. I always sleep late, even when I plan to sleep early, I'd be sitting in bed reading and end up sleeping late. I can't remember the last time I slept at 10 or even 11. So my morning nescafe is a MUST. I'd lose all forms of concentration if I don't have it the minute I get to office.

4. Sleeping while watching TV, or reading. There are times when I sleep and I'd still be holding the book. And wake up, with the right page still opened, just to go back to read again. A quick 5 minutes nap gives me all the energy I need for the rest of the day.
5. Getting prepared for a big outing or a special occasion. I enjoy the fuss it takes to get ready on time, I love chosing what to wear a day earlier (including preparing all the right accessories). The make up and hair part are the ones that I enjoy the most. I enjoy making up my mind on having my hair up or down depending on what Im wearing, or chosing the colors of make up depending on the time of the outing.

6. A dream coming true. I don't believe in what some people say, 'you would feel down after you see it happening'. As there will always be new dreams and more dreams,,, and bigger ones!

7. A hot shower after a long tiring day. It's the only thing that takes away all your aches. It helps you to relax and think clearly.. or not think at all. Takes your minds away from whatever there is that bothers you..

8. The feeling of independence. When I bought my car, I had the greatest feeling ever! When I first started working .. that felt WOW! When I stopped taking money from my dad and started to manage my own spendings.. that felt amazing. When I brought my mom things from my travels, and when I got my dad something from my first salary.. that felt superb.
9. To feel appreciated. There's nothing nicer than the feeling of being appreciated for what you do.. especially if you're from 'the giving type'. I can't change who I am, simply because this would take away part of who I am. Being with someone who apprecaites your love and give you all the love in return is one of the most precious things.

10. Hearing words that can touch my heart forever. Yesterday night a very dear friend told me, 'after you leave, I will miss you like no other'. It made me tearful, but it touched my heart so deeply... Knowing that I make a difference in someone's life, and I own a little place in people's hearts make me glow with happiness. Or when a precious cousin once told me, whenever she's in Dubai's airport to pick up someone, she'd be remembering the times I was there.. and wishing it was me, coming out with my bags and big shining smile. Those are the kind of words that I treasure forever.


I tag nido, Sam, and Abed Hamdan. Enjoy !!!

Ups, Ups, Ups, 'N Downs

There are no UPs without DOWNs.. or so it seems! I don't get annoyed by rough moments anymore.. I don't get bothered by extra stress anymore.. as I believe no matter how dark it can get, soon enough it'll be bright again. It has to be bright again.. this is Life.
If you ever have this question on mind 'Why was yesterday a bad day?!!', then the answer would be simple and clear.. 'So that today or tomorrow would be a great day'.

Cheerful -happy news always come together, at the same time... there were many times when I prayed for signs, and I consider myself an extremely lucky person who gets all the needed signs at the very right time!
Im just too excited to get all the great news in the same day.. it's just too much for me to handle.

I'll be back to studying in a few months' time.. !!! So it's another BIG dream coming true.. Masters in Finance,,, one of my precious dreams is turning to reality! I feel like a little kid who's getting ready for school.. and can't wait to start! I've always wanted to have another degree, im too ambitious to stop at a point.. ! I've always felt there should be no sky for my ambitions.

So I get a colleague commenting on all the great stuff that's happening in my life .. 'you're too lucky, a groom and a higher degree.. what a full package'! .. It took me only one second to reply back.. 'I get them in two.. next time, it would be a PHD and a baby'! If Im to be serious and mad at his ironic tone, it wouldn't really help.. so I thought why not to be even more ironic.. !

Im happy today.. and nothing can ruin that for me! I'll spread my positive energy everywhere .. nothing will make me down! NO more! no time.. no room for negativeness.

On being RUDE

Rudeness is not a negative thing.. or at least, this is how I see it! Sometimes it's the only way to pull yourself out of an awkward situation, or to stop people who ask for a slap in the face. Or to just stand up for youself and keep losers' mouths shut.

But there are different levels of rudeness.. people who reach the highest levels, will in no way be able to go back. It becomes more like something in their blood. It affects everything.. the way they talk, walk, sit, behave, communicate and even laugh...

The bigger their rudeness grows, the more they become smaller in the eyes of others.
They start big and keep getting smaller.. and then they become too small that not even the most advanced microscopes can make them look close to normal.

As they age, their rudeness becomes more unbearable.. and it gets even worse when they start to think they're funny, so they just go on and on with their unlimited vulgarity!
Im not against being rude.. but when it's needed.

Being continuously rude is what bothers me! .. makes the person loses all people's respect.. and he'd end up with nothing.. not even his own self respect!!!

Why is it getting harder?!

We were all waiting for the shops and big malls to open in Amman! And now when it's finally happening.. shopping seems to be harder than ever.

I have no clue why! But maybe because with all the variety we have nowadays, it makes me more confused.
So -I go to one shop and get something, then later on I go to another, only to regret what I bought earlier.. and think I should've waited!

Two years ago, I had only two main shops where I'd go and get everything from! But now, there are just too many. And what I've noticed lately is that each one has it all... they try to put all what you need in the same shop so that you won't go and look at another. Clothes, shoes, socks, stockings, swimsuits, towels, flip flops (all beach related stuff).. pajamas... and all kinds of accessories! it's just too much.

I don't think there are many who agree with me,,, but this is the way I've been feeling lately!
I thought one will be saving time shopping in big malls, but it just seems that im spending more time only from walking .. and time just flies each time im there! One good thing though, is that lately almost all clothes' shops have a both male /female sections.. which makes it much easier for couples!

I guess no more shopping for me, Im getting bored with spending my time in the shops, and with most of them lacking air conditions- in the new malls.. ! At the end of the day I come back with a headache and would go straight to bed.

It's summer time now,
and my attention would turn to something more fun, more relaxing, and definitely more enjoyable!!! ,,, ummm *hint, hint*